Dr. Sax summarizes his second book, Boys Adrift
I have been a practicing physician for 21 years. For the past 17 years, I have worked in a suburb of Washington DC. Ten years ago, I began noticing something odd. I'd find a particular family where the daughter was motivated, hardworking, and successful - while her brother was an under-achiever. I've now documented this pattern hundreds of times just in my own practice. Emily is a straight-A student determined to get into a good college, while her brother - just as smart as Emily - has none of her drive.
In the past seven years, I have visited over 200 schools around the United States, Canada, and Australia. I have met with teachers, spoken with parents, and listened to children and teenagers from every demographic group. I've found that this pattern - "driven girls, directionless boys" to use Professor Judy Kleinfeld's phrase - is becoming more common everywhere you look. You'll find it in cities, in suburbs and in rural areas; among White, Black, and Latino families; and in affluent, middle-income and low-income neighborhoods. Boys whose families have recently immigrated from East Asia or South Asia - from Japan, China, Singapore, India, Pakistan, etc. - appear to have some degree of immunity to this emerging epidemic. But the longer those boys live in this country, the more likely they are to begin manifesting this weird syndrome of apathy and lack of motivation.)
What's going on?
I've spent every available moment for the past seven years researching this question. I've published scholarly articles for the American Psychological Association and the American Academy of Family Physicians. I've written op-eds for newspapers such as the Washington Post, the Los Angeles Times, the Minneapolis Star-Tribune and the Philadelphia Daily News; and I've corresponded with more than a thousand parents and their sons. I've seen this question grow from my own personal mission to become a national topic of debate and the central theme of movies such as Failure to Launch.
And now, finally, I think I've figured it out. I've identified five factors which are driving this phenomenon. And I've seen what works: what parents can do to turn this thing around and get their sons back on track.
posted by Leonard Sax MD PhD @ 7:58 PM
33 Comments:
I've been wondering about this. What affect do you think the rise of single parent families have had on this phenomenon, Dr. Sax?
I address that question in the book, where I consider the situation of boys raised by their mothers, without fathers. The evidence does NOT support the assertion that these boys are at higher risk. Fathers can't do this alone, in any case. Most boys need a COMMUNITY of men, not just one man. Some boys do just fine with a single Mom BECAUSE they have a COMMUNITY of men providing strong role models for them. Please see chapters 6 and 7 for more on this point.
If you have time, I ask that you head over to Hugo Schwyzer's blog:
http//hugoschwyzer/2007/o8/29/boys-adrift-part-one-of-alengthy-review/#comments
I am among the people who have profound doubts regarding your agenda...and you are getting an earful at Hugo's.
This is legitimate criticism, and worthy of your time. I hope you will stop by.
Evening Dr. Sax,
I am a 19 year old man who amazingly have been able to avoid the problems and shortcomings of most drifting boys of my era. I am working at a Publicly Traded company, going to college part time and even starting my own business.
I bought this book after I heard about it on Bill Handel's radio program. I even bought two copies, one for me and one for my father who is coping with a son who is rather despondent and echo's many boys in your book.
I want my mother to read this book, but unfortunately she does not have the command of English that my father and I have.
Is there a Spanish translation of this book?
Thank you for your hard work on this matter... this is the first book that I found that has been able to target all of the factors that lead us to our despondent drifting and undetermined sons, brothers, and cousins.
Thank You
- Israel @ Pg 152
I wish you would participate in this discussion where I gave a great review to your book and then started a discussion where one person is bashing your book and views, unfairly:
http://www.amazon.com/tag/parenting/forum/ref=cm_cd_notf_thread?%5Fencoding=UTF8&cdForum=Fx20C498EK5JY4S&cdThread=TxMASV0VD971QF
It is in the discussion forum under Parenting at Amazon. This one person who calls herself a feminist is really going after everyone who likes the book. I am the mother of three boys and I found your book to be fascinating. I am also a top Amazon reviewer.
I think the real problem is modern society, sorry...
You're increasing stress on boys in school and the workplace. Kids are increasingly raised by government / private daycares and live at school to become farmed out to work all their lives.
Sorry but as one of those "unmotivated boys" you strike me as a shill who is out of touch with the markets effects on society.
These "unmovitaved boys" are unmotivated for many reasons:
One is that the capitalist competition is nearing insane levels of barbarism, the boys don't want the stress and insanity of working 50-60 hour weeks.
Many of us saw our parents as simply little drones running around for their rich masters.
Most people are breaking under the strain of economic competitiveness and you people are living in a fantasy land that somehow it will get better.... they are not "diseased" they don't want to live the insane over-worked lives you people live. Cutting each others throats for money.
Bakka...YOU are the epidomy and the essence of what this book is about. You probably have not experienced one single day of hard work in your life. So much of youth is focused on "fantasy land" that they never focus on something called reality.
Dr. Sax,
Send me a regular email and I will supply you with updated stats on the ratios of boy to girls on bachelor's, master's, doctorates, and professional degrees. Below is the note I shared with boysproject. Unfortunately, the blog removes the proper tabulation
Jerry Blondell, Ph.D., M.P.H.
Jerry,
Thanks for sharing. Yes, its a powerful way of saying what I am trying to say. One minor point: I have looked at the PhD data and when one takes the international students out of the data (they are nearly all males) the doctoral data flipped over several years ago. This is not a major factor in the other degree recipient data--just doctorates.
Jerry Blondell wrote:
As a former govt. statistician, I enjoyed the simplicity of your page on college education.
I have updated some of your statistics for you. I think the table below makes a more
compelling case. See if you think so.
For every 100 American women who earn a bachelor’s, master’s, doctorate, or first-professional degree from college, the number of American men who earn the same degree, by year.
YEAR
Bachelor’s
Master’s
Doctorate
Professional*
1970-71
131
150
601
1480
1980-81
101
99
222
275
1990-91
85
87
170
156
2000-01
75
71
122
116
2004-05
74
68
105
101
2010-11**
68
63
103
89
2015-16**
66
63
94
84
* Includes MD, DDS, DVM, LLB
** Projected
Calculated from: http://nces.ed.gov/programs/digest/d06/tables/dt06_251.asp?referrer=report
Jerome Blondell, Ph.D., M.P.H.
8556 Tyrolean Way
Springfield, VA 22153
703-455-3647
jblondell@cox.net
--
Tom Mortenson
Higher Education Policy Analyst, Postsecondary Education OPPORTUNITY
P.O. Box 415, Oskaloosa, IA 52577
V: (641) 673-3401, F: (641) 673-3411
Mailto: tom@postsecondary.org
Web: www.postsecondary.org
Web: www.lifebeyondhighschool.org
Blog: postsecondaryopportunity.blogspot.com
Web: www.snakerivermn.org
Senior Scholar, The Pell Institute for the Study of Opportunity in Higher Education
1025 Vermont Avenue, NW, Washington, DC 20005
V: (202) 347-7430, F: 347-0786
Dear Dr. Sax,
I just began reading your book, so maybe the answer to my question already appears in print. In any case, I'd like to pose my question: as I was reading your book, I felt as if you knew my family. Julia, my 12-year old daughter, is as successful in school as can be, and she also does gymnastics, with reasonable success. She just now began running croos-country at school, and she is the best in her school's team (it should be noted that my children's school is a small independent school, so making the team is rather easy, and it does not have any particularly outstanding athlete). On the other hand, Alex, my 13-year old son, a bright boy in my opinion, is hardly motivated by school. He does well (straight B's), but not well enough for us (we want straight A's, and we know he can do that). He spends (like myself, I must admit) more time than he should on the Internet, looking for news or information he doesn't need for school. He has practiced baseball since he is 4, and swimming since he is 6, never being particularly good at any. He is running cross-country for a second year, running under what I think are his abilities. In every competition, he seems reluctant to try hard. I think he finds comfort in not making a great effort because that gives him an excuse for not winning. Knowing that he won't win, he prefers that people think that he didn't care about winning. He is a nice boy, the kind that is comfortable around adults. Most people who know him like him (which is mostly true of my daughter, too). On the other hand, he is sometimes abusive with his sister, calling her "idiot" or physically pushing her for no reason.
My point, to which I am finally getting, is that he is lazy and unmotivated, but not more than most people would consider acceptable (e.g., his math teacher didn't seem to understand why a B was not good enough for us). However, he has never exhibited any characteristic of ADHD. He is easily distracted, and he fidgets, but what seems to be quite a normal extent. His physical development has been faster than mine. I didn't reach puberty until past 16, and he is quite ahead of that at 13 (unlike his sister, who at 12 could easily pass for a 10- or 9-year or old). In addition, we don't have video-games at home, and he plays on-line video games only sporadically. I think I have been a reasonable good role model for him, and I think he admires the kind of men I'd like him to admire (i.e., great scientists, great soldiers, great athletes). So, my question is, how do these five factors work in concert, so that in a case where at least four of them seem not to be significantly present, my son still exhibits the apathy and lack of motivation that you have so eloquently characterized?
There may be a possibility that the "failure to launch" syndrome may be due to environmental illness yet undiscovered. Perhaps intentional by terrorists, etc?
If you look at the statistics for autism 1-150 persons have some form of autism, and usually linked to the xy (male) chromesome. I think this could be further investigated. For example, mercury in DPT vaccines, etc. Other environmental pollutions, unreported dirty bombs?
If this is a new warfare technology, we are secretly being "wiped out" without anyone knowing why or questioning what is really going on here. Time to wake up and smell the melamine perhaps? jj
Well, Im 45, I worked my rear off, and truly was not motivated by todays standards. Mostly I think boys have lost thier drive due to the loss of "E ticket rides". When I was growing up we took tons of life threating risks, mostly because they were there, like sliding down the moss at the dam, doing crazy jumps on our bikes with out helmets. 90% of the stuff I did as a kid would be considered a felony these days. Boys are over sheltered now, parents are whimps, and make thier boys whimps. To be motivated, a person needs the adrenilin rush that only life and death situations can give. No more firecrackers, too many rules, what ever happened to natural selection? Skaters/surfers, I could bet are more motivated due to the risks they take. As well as todays enviormental conditions, girls are pushed to be the men, and the men are pushed to be the home makers, whatever happened to boys doing boy things and girls doing girl things?
In my opinion, society is at fault for this. My son used to be active, loved to camp out, build a fire, climb trees, and so much more. But then at school he was titled hyper active, ADHD and then ordered on Ritalin, just say good-bye to boy meets world. He became just a boy, with no motivation, ambition etc. Note: From 8:00 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. our schools now have jurisdiction over our kids. I went to the school so many times to argue with them. They try to impose behavioral sanctions on active boys, suspend them, and expell them for their so called "un-controllable behavior", what was once thought of as boys being boys is now working against them today.
It's not that girls work harder, it's that their teachers try to silence their creativity, make them feel as if being active and motivated is acting out and then these kids are punished.
When my son used to come home from school, he was depressed, he said he hated it, him and four others quit "at the 12th grade" he said they were in the 12th grade but they were being taught at the 5th grade level. When I asked the school why, they didn't want to talk about it. I demanded answers.
These four boys are now seeking education elsewhere to get their diploma and they are going to a place where they are going to get a GED and a vocational certificate. My son wants to go to college, but he said those schools never gave them any vision for the future.
I am a single mother with four girls and one son. He has everything though, I raised my own kids and met my husband of 10 years when they were young teens. My husband is from Asia, and he owns his own business, went to college and continuously educates himself. He said, it's a tradition in his country that men are the acheivers and woman take care of their family and children, although it's okay for them work.
It's the mentality of society bottom line. Men today don't even have first rights to custody of their children.
As one who has invested a 40 year career serving & sharing with youth...first as a Marine Officer, then..as an Instructinal Leader, Teacher, Principal & Superintendent of Public Schools... I have seen first hand this issue manifest itself in a manner that keeps growing. This is not only real, serious & a sad commentary, it is a very unpopular topic, not politically correct in todays America. Generation X & Y have a societial issue that is getting larger as we speak. It will take more than a few professionals ringing the bell of caution to impact a govenment, society, elected officials, & industrial giants to take notice. I truly believe "Jaded Americans" of both genders see this as an opportunity to further efforts to have a classless society. Just another bi product of the "New American Century" agenda. We truly have located the enemy & they are us.
The damage is already done.
Would the increased use of soy and lecithin in processed foods create to the "de masculinzation" our or boys? Since soy acts sort of like estrogen --wouldn't that contribute to the "softness" of boys, low sperm count we're seeing, etc.?
While I think that these are all valid points, I think another factor is that many women today are out of control. Men growing up learn that they have to watch what they say or do with other men - otherwise fists will fly. However, women today think that they can say whatever they wish or do whatever they want with men and the men won't react with violence due to societal prohibitions.
I've had to leave 3 jobs due to out of control women. It was either that or belt them. Many of them seem psychotic or bi-polar. I understand female hormones and the menstral cycle but it can't occur on a daily basis.
My 20 year marriage is ending due to the same issue. Endless arguments, power struggles, meaningless fights just for the sake of fighting. I'm no angel and I take some responsibility for the divorce. However, I can't stay in a relationship where I can't ever lead and I get overridden at every turn.
Wow. Just heard you on Coast to Coast. I'm buying your book. I'm a 34 year old man, 9 months in to my first ever relationship. I'm going to school, finally trying to obtain a place in the competitive nursing program at my local university, and am pessimistic about ever finishing college. I've attended school off and on since I was 18, never even gaining an Associate degree. My mid twenties were consumed with nothing but hanging out with my friends and playing games: video games, cards, board games, etc. I worked dead-end jobs until joining the military, only then finding a sense of purpose and duty. Now that I'm out, I want to get my nursing degree and re-enter the military, but I feel that nagging, deep-seated, comfortable feeling that, if I don't get a degree, it's no big deal. I'm a smart person, got 'B's in High School (but I maintain straight-'A's in college), but didn't feel any need to aim higher, preferring to slide by. My cousin is the same way. We are amazed and perplexed at how we, in our 30's, haven't done anything with our lives. I can't wait to read your book.
From the time of Helen Girley Brown the defination of what a men is has changed. At that time I was concerned that the real solution was not the new role of women but what the role would be for men.
The movement carried forward all of the protective rules from the past and gave women new advantages going forward. It also defined men in a very dark light. Faced with this defination 1/3 of the men now retreat into their room. It is a man thing.
If one talks about this defination or desires a new look at where we are going an old label surfaces. You become a woman hater. Good luck!
Dr. Sax,
I just heard you on Coast to Coast, and I not only stayed up to hear the whole thing, I got out of bed to take notes!!!!
My question stems from another Coast to Coast interview I heard a couple of weeks ago in which the guest talked about fluorinated water, and how it lowers sex drive, thereby reducing population. What are your thoughts on consumption of this particular chemical, which I don't think existed 50 years ago?
By the way, I am one of the 30-something women who never married and is living alone. I am not a lesbian, I'm just not interested in the type of man I've dated and lived with: unable to make a decision, unable to keep track of or make money, unable to pay a bill on time, unable to cook a meal or do laundry, unable to offer emotional support, unable to seduce, unable to commit. I will not have children becuase of the problems associated with having children after 35. I am not dating. I am not particularly lonely. I suppose I'll regret my single status one day, but for now I'm perfectly fine on my own.
I am a special education teacher in California, and have been struggling to "save" these boys for some years, now. The System swallows them up and spits them out. The schools don't know how and don't come up with plans to engage these boys, and No Child Left Behind adds to the limitations rather than opening more doors for these disenfranchised, frustrated children. Many of them have been failing since Kindergarten, because they weren't ready for the accelerated pace of focused attention and fine motor tasks.
I've never seen a mother bird try to get her chick to fly before it had grown its wings. Have we become so stupid in our technological and intellectual development, that now we don't know how to raise our young? This is a deplorable mess.
The situation with the unmotivated brings the 'whatever' word to mind.
One wonders whether we'll eventually have enough raw young men to raise an army that will fight.
Young boys worked years ago; They hustled! Becoming soda jerks and ushers in movie
houses hoping for vaunted balcony captain status.
Today, too many prefer to simply hang out-adrift.
Perhaps it all starts with school buses giving curb service, fast food, a sedentary lifestyle-with
few physical challenges and a PC age where those putatively in charge are fearful of being sued
if they use the rod.
A generation soft, victims of doting parents who felt their kids would be snatched off the street by
lurking predators if unchaperoned for even a milisecond.
Obesity, relativism, looming ethnic upheavals , a national leadership vacuum, edocronal shifts.
Please assure it will all work out.
Herb Starr
I heard you on Coast to Coast. Great show, but I was left with what I thought was an obvious question. You said that most of the problems with boys are caused by some of the new synthetic chemicals, but you also said that the future of America will belong to the Latinos and the evangelicals, as 'their' men will still be getting married and having kids.
Are you saying that the young men in these groups are still motivated to get married and have careers, and if so, then why aren't the synthetic chemicals affecting them as well?
I just wondered because I'm not sure how something can be caused by environmental effects and not effect pretty much everybody.
Also, do you see any connection between the increase in the problem behaviors of young men and the increase in autism, which also seems to mainly afflict males.
I think you have identified a very real and very serious problem. Unfortunately, you seem to be focused on too many "micro" kind of reasons for what's been happening to young men - plastic bottles, for example? I mean, really.
Bakka (see above) is on the right track, when he says that more and more men don't want to live the "insane, over-worked lives" that their fathers did, especially when they will have to do it for lower pay that doesn't keep pace with inflation. Maybe women are more motivated because they are getting to do things their mothers never had a chance to do....but once the novelty wears off, they too will realize the working world is not as satisfying as they hoped, just like the men.
When I was in junior high in 1962, I took metal shop and loved heating a bar of iron to white hot and dipping it in carbon powder to "case harden" the tip to make a cold chisel. Metal shop is gone....
The lamp I made in wood shop is still in my office. Wood shop is gone....
The drafting skills I learned in one quarter of drafting was good enough to draw plans for my house remodel. The Long Beach planning department said that they were better than most of the building permit plans that they see.
Those shop classes taught me useful vocabulary like beveled edge, case harden, kiln, center punch, awl, chisel, alloy, and how to measure. Most high school students now days can't tell the difference between an eight, a sixteenth or a centimeter.
Building the lamp, making the chisel and drawing plans gave me a sense of self worth. Seeing the metal turn red hot in the kiln gave me a love for metals, so I earned a degree in chemistry with specialty in metallurgy. Those shop classes were classified as nonacademic and all shut down.
Now I teach high school chemistry. The students don't know anything about the materials that make up their world. They think brass is an element, and have never soldered a wire. The academic topics need a experiential foundation and it is gone!!!!
Active energetic boys are being stuffed into the "sit down and be quiet" classroom. One of the boys who was energetic and bright, but annoying to teachers transfered to the occupational welding program. He is the type who has energy that the modern high school cannot appreciate. He'll probably own his own business in a few years, making more money than the meek quiet kids.
Auto shop is gone too. I teach electricity in our science classes with AA batteries and 3 Christmas light bulbs, and students ask if they will get electrocuted. That is considered academic, because it is in a science class. The auto shop taught electricity with servo motors, solenoids, fuse panels, bundles of color coded wires, and schematic diagrams in "phone book" thick service manuals that require the best "scientific method" to solve problems. Auto shop was considered non-academic and closed up.
Everything that built the foundation for being and engineer, scientist, or machinist is gone.
The machinist I met at JPL who was fabricating parts for Mars rovers took metal shop. My engineer friend who worked on the Apollo program worked on cars as a youth and learned about metals, gears, bell cranks, servos and solenoids in auto shop.
Our educational system in California has failed to let boys or girls learn through doing. No wonder that they aren't excited about high school, which rewards "sit and be quiet" behavior.
ChemJim
ChemJim has nailed it. I'm a 55 y/o male and remember those shop classes which was not only in my high school in L.A. but the junior high. They were classes where you could find balance by DOING things with your hands and mind - something that males are genetically created to do as descendants of toolmaker hunter-gatherers. I could better tolerate the wholly academic classes because there was a class for expression to look forward to. It's no wonder so many young men and boys are lost in cyberspace because all of school has become an academic blur with no balance. There is no part of the world for them to form and fashion things with their hands. Even women will find this happen as I'm sure there are no longer any sewing classes.
I also see a huge need for classes just aimed at the obvious, like how to budget your money, balance a checkbook, understand finance and investments. I was 50 before I finally realized the importance of investments and now I'm scrambling to have a retirement, which right now looks doubtful.
Environmental factors may exist, but it's the cultural castration that's doing this to males. Even at my age, I recall the distaste and distrust for young boys from the women teachers I had. Girls were favored, and as a boy in high school, the level of counseling I got was essentially nonexistent. I enrolled in a junior college just to get out of hanging drywall with my father! If it hadn't been for that fortunate move, I'd not have been as fortunate as I am now, retirement or not.
Alex
Economic opportunity is a zero-sum game, especially when the corporations export the meaningful jobs overseas. That diminishes the total number of good jobs and, if women get the cream of those, that leaves the dregs for the men. Then the men become "losers," unattractive to women, who, as you say, want men who earn more than they. Susan Faludi addressed some of that in her book, Stiffed: The betrayal of men.
Legal precedents in divorce seem to presume that men are steady, reliable earners, so they have to pay the ex-wife child-support, money which she may use at her discretion, for her own purposes, without accountability. Men are no longer so steady. I haven't been. The court-appointed psychologist assessed that I was "manipulative," when I requested residential custody of our two children. The notion of a man as primary custodian is anathema to divorce-courts and their minions.
I'm a physician and my divorce demotivated me, big-time. Hopes and dreams go out the window with divorce and I've never recovered. I lived on my savings for years, since I couldn't find work anywhere because of a combination of greater-than-optimal age and bad-faith peer-review, in which I prevailed but none of that mattered to hospitals or clinics. The black chit-mark waw enough to discourage them from associating with me. Now my savings are exhausted and I'm on Social Security, which came in just in time to save my bacon and the IRS is stealing a good part of that.
Seems like there are a few men blaming women for stepping up to fill a role the men aren't filling. I don't think there is as much disdain - or anyway outright hate - towards men as some of them think. We're practical. If you aren't going to do it, and it needs doing, we'll do the best we can with it. Someone has to. We still like you, but you are frustrating and confusing when you don't behave like men. Now at least, I have a better understanding why and will try to be more tolerant.
The prejudice against men raising children is a phenomenal issue I've experienced first hand. My wife took off and left me with our 8 y/o daughter who I raised until she went to college - no help from the Ex, who'd taken all the money in the accounts, the car and even stole my collectible albums. During those years, the looks on women's faces upon learning I was a single, custodial Dad was quite awful. Their comments were along the lines of assuming I was an imbecile at best. With some women it seemed they excavated for any reason to report this somehow impossible situation. I didn't do so bad - my daughter has graduated and is in a Master's program and will be going to medical school in a year. Never had a drug problem and she's as solid as a rock. She said being raised by her father seemed to give her an understanding as to how men think, and how to think big and pursue goals - and consequently, how women think seems to mystify her!
This post has been removed by the author.
We have had custody of our 16 yr old grandson since he was 5 yrs old. He was diagnosed as ADHD in kindergarten and put on Ritalin. It worked for a while- he went from failing to being a pretty good student. However, that quit working so he was switched to Concerta. When that quit working, he was switched to Adderall a couple of years ago. That no longer seems to really be working. Kyle is failing school, he seems to have no sense of pride, has no respect for adults, doesn't care about school or grades or what anyone thinks or says about him, he is angry a lot, he is the class clown, he frustrates the school and us, he can't sit still, can't focus, he failed 6th grade, almost failed 8th grade and is now failing 9th. Life is all about watching TV, being on the computer, watching movies, listening to ipod, playing xbox. We've taken all those things away and grounded him from going out with friends for last 9 weeks. Friday night he ran away (but he came back Saturday). He doesn't care what we think or feel or say. I feel used and helpless. I don't know what else to do. I'm almost suicidal myself. He fits all the characteristics of your book. Is there any hope left for him? Do I just throw in the towel and quit or do you think he can be helped? What do you suggest that I do before I have a nervous breakdown and/or lose my mind?
My son is eleven, in 6th grade, gets mostly A's in school (private school) - so why does he despise his teachers and school so much? I'm afraid he'll just get disgusted and give up, and this year particularly he is filled with self loathing because he gets in trouble for talking in class. But with a group of rambunctious boys, he is often one of the more quiet kids.
I'm pulling him out of the school, as it seems like they have labeled him as a problem, and there's a big, 'ol target on his back that he won't be able to shake.
I'm transferring him to a school that integrates more technology/computers in the classroom environment, which has gotta beat just sitting there while someone talks at you.
Unlike a lot of boys, he likes reading - everything from Lord of the RIngs to comic books. He also likes video games, but given his busy schedule, he doesn't get as much time as he'd like. He prefers playing video games with his friends rather than alone.
He's never been diagnosed with any disorders. But he seems disenchanted. It makes me very sad and worried.
Dr. Sax,
I recently read "Boys Adrift" and found it so facinating that I have just finished "Why Gender Matters." My question to you is: what do you think of home schooling?
I just read your book, "Boys Adrift" You described my 21 year old son. Your book talked about the younger boys. How do we get the 21 year old to launch? I think you need to write a book on the next step. Any ideas for now to help.
Dr Sax -
Here is an issue that I do not yet see you addressing:
My wife is an adult child of an alcoholic father, which she and her siblings are all in denial about. This manifests most seriously as a total inability to live up to agreements with me about how we raise our sons, even when the terms of the agreement are dictated by her.
She has seriously coddled our sons; the first escaped, but the second has not. She undercuts everything that I do to help this boy grow up. Several therapists that she has chosen have endorsed my behavior and been very clear and direct to her about her role in this, but she is unable to take delivery.
I see school, video games, her promotion of drug therapy for ADHD, and culture all as parts of the problem (I have no way to evaluate endocrine blockers), but I see her behavior as the real problem, and after 24 years with her I don't see her ever changing.
Have you investigated parents who are children of alcoholics as a common factor in failure to launch, and what do you think?
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